the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
