I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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