I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
