I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
