I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
