Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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