just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
