If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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