Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
