I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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