dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
