So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
