just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
