Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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