So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
