So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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