We won't sleep together?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
