The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm like, not good at living.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
