I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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