Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
