Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
