What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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