why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
