Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
two words: eviction party
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
