are you still at the devil's house?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
