my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
