Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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