All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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