level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
