he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
