My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
