there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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