Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
