I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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