Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
