my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
