I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
