There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
