i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
