Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
