I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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