My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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