Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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