Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
