i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
