I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
