Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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