At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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