I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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