Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
