i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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