I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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