The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
