He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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