Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
