I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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